“I was giving up a person who was really a very viable, powerful, self-reliant human being.  there were a lot of positive things about those negative aspects of my personality.  And I didn’t want to give them up.  Maybe it wasn’t the best way of coping, but at least I was used to it.  I felt incredibly vulnerable having to let go in order to make the room to create a new person.  Into what void would I be thrown if I let go of this stuff? I felt like a raw muscle walking around for a long time.”

Red Lights

Red Lights

Ever since we were little, our parents told us we would grow up. One day we would be in school, like all the other big kids. And we would get our own letters in the mail box and get to have bedtime past nine. They said we’d graduate from high school, meet a nice man or woman and get married—and maybe even have little kids of our own.

But what our parents never told us is the letters in our adult mailbox would be lame coupons and scamming bankers. They never said we might move far away from them and only visit every other Christmas. They never said we’d probably work a job we don’t care about, at least for a while.  Or that starting our family comes with paperwork and chores. What our parents never told us is that real grown-up life is sometimes boring and kind of lonely.

So we let ourselves believe in Garden State or Sleepless in Seattle. That one day an incredible person would come into our lives and save us from our self-loathing and boredom. And so we waited.  Once we finally got out of school…or got married…or started a family…or settled down…then we would have a fulfilling life. Then we’d stop crying.

“We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing…So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body” (2 Corinthians 5).

I have a choice. I can let this knowledge burden me—pressure me to run after some mythical cathartic experience before I die. Or I can let it still my heart. Let it remind me of the reconciliation my last breath will usher into my soul. Because there is calm and rest waiting around the corner.

But on Earth—this is it. Much of life is spent vacuuming or waiting at red lights. This is the exciting life that comes with drinking privileges and college degrees. So during this time—sometimes lonely, sometimes boring—I wait. I hope and believe. Not in tomorrow…but in the perfection that comes after tomorrow.

June

Peace and Seeds

Yesterday, on Saturday, I helped out with some cleaning around the house.  I think we cleaned every inch of our house to the point where I was even sweeping leaves off my deck (we’ve never once done that..ever) From the corner of my eye, I watched my dad tend to his gardens fervently.  He takes care of his plants like they are his third child–making sure the flowers are all arranged the way just perfectly pleasing to his eyes and the lettuce is ripe to be picked.  With the sun at the right temperature warming my skin, I thought to myself, “This is sublime.”
I bet my dad is truly happy right now.  I bet this is where he founds the greatest peace…with nature.  I remember my grandfather telling me years ago, that my dad would go hiking and walk around nature all the time when he was young.  He loved studying acupuncture.  He just loves nature.

And even when I was a child, I remember our trips camping, fishing, and my dad just spitting out short random facts about how to tug at your fishing rod to wrangle in the fishies and such.

My dad is a successful business man now.  I am so proud of him.  I always have been. But when I see him antsy and anxious all the time, yelling Korean profanities at the air…my pride quickly sinks to sadness.
I think to myself that his true happiness and peace is from his roots and the simple life in the country side that was his livelihood.  I wish sometimes he could live in the mountains or in a valley of endless greenery.

I realized I was in my imagination land so I snapped myself out of it to look up to see my dad across the lawn again.

He loves tending to his plants so much-feeding, nurturing them-because he knows exactly how they’ll turn out by step a, b, and c.  He knows what he will reap when he plants the seeds.  When he planted a tree in our backyard a few years ago, he came into my room telling me excitedly about his tree and how it’ll be growing while I’m in college (oh the analogy!)

He knows exactly what plants his seeding, how many.  How much water he pours, how many times, and approximately when the sprouts will start to show.  He knows what they will look like in the end.  He knows in the end they will wither.

He thought he knew what he was doing when his children were were going through a similar growth process.  He enrolled them in music schools. He paid for years of hagwon.  He talked endlessly about the CPA route and how I were to obtain my 150 credits.  He thought he was going to see a future CPA.  He thought he was going to see a successful business woman proudly walking down the concrete streets of New York City like a boss.

He thought he was going to be able to speak proudly of his daughter to his father in Korea so he could rest peacefully in his old age and back pains.He loves his plants and wakes up every morning to tend to them.  He wants to know they are doing.  Because at least he knows they are the only things that can turn into what he wants them to be.  The sesames leaf sprouts were finally ripe to be eaten.  And the bulbs bloomed to chrysanthemums just as he had wanted.  The other two he tried to nurture for 21 years bloomed to be ferns and red oaks instead of red roses and lilacs…how failed he felt.
How disappointed he feels…What to make of his situation. Is this what he thinks of while the clock marks his 16th hour at the office? Does he smile when he thinks of his chrysanthemums blooming right? Or does he straighten himself up when that weight of sadness about his children hover his mind like fog clouds?I wish I knew what went on that busy mind of his…

Today was a most interesting day–bumped into Prarthana after 872634 years in the streets of Harvard Square. Then had the most intense conversation with a hippie about Satanism, Christianity and sin. Now I’m sitting in GB 401…nowhere near as enlightening.

Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.

This 30 day challenge has been taking me a year to complete.  What a testimony to my endurance in task completion. -_-

Anywhos I’ve actually avoided this one because I wanted to soak in my 2012 a little before I started writing about anything without premeditation.

2012 has been the most interesting year thusfar.  Finally, it hasn’t just been an up and down year of depression–but I’ve been experiencing deep emotions from my spirit.  I’ve experienced the most spiritual high I’ve ever felt that surpasses any happiness or excitement I’ve ever felt (and that says a lot for someone who easily tickled and excited by anything)
I’ve learned what it truly feels like to have a family.  The new house that I’ve moved into has been one of the biggest blessings of my life.  I feel that blessing every.day.  I’ve never felt truly loved, cared for, supported, or comfortable in any situation of living I have been in my entire life.  I wish this were an exaggeration but I guess never having a good family or living situation in general, I can feel this goodness to such a great extent.  I live and breathe God’s love every single day.  It’s amazing.  It makes me think “wow, this is what God wants a family to look like.”

I’ve also never been the youngest in any situation.  I’m always the oldest in my family gatherings, oldest in family friend parties, and such. Having four older ladies acting as older sister figures is really strange for me.  I have no idea how to accept other people’s love and care. I’ve always been the provider and as that older sister role, you are used to saying “no” if your sibling asks if they could do something for you.  It’s understood that I do it for the sake of my younger ones.  As good as it is to be a server, I learned how important it is to accept love and be served too.  I learn to trust others and to know that people care about me too. Its not just a one way street.  It feels really…good? haha

Being baptized was also a jovial celebratory occasion.  I have never felt such pure joy and bliss in my life to have celebrated with my church family and have a part of my own family there to celebrate with me.  I wanted to cry tears of joy the whole day.  My spirit was just overflowing and spilling over with waterfalls of God’s spirit and love.  I thought to myself “this is what heaven must feel like.”

Of course there have been lows, I feel like I’ve shredded off an old dead callous me-just as how skin cells are always shedding dead skin cells.  I guess that’s the point of baptism…new birth! Go figure Suz. But in all seriousness, my eyes have been widened to new life and a new perception of absolutely everything.

There have been a lot more curveballs thrown at me this semester too though.  Aside from my depression and anxiety, my broken family, and struggles with my plans after grad, I’ve lost a lot of friendships in the mix.  New hardships have come and I can’t say that I’m happy when I talk about them.  But I’m at peace. I’m at peace with the fact that God’s got it.  Everything in this life is temporary and the only constant is God. Although old friendships have been fading out, a part of me is thankful. I’m thankful because some of those old friendships had too much brokenness and hurt me so deeply that meeting new friends have shown me my need for friendships that build me up…not the ones that have been bringing me down.  I’m babbling now because I am procrastinating. (I tend to write the longest entries during midterm weeks and final weeks huh? LAWLS)

Anywho, I prefer not to go so deep into the lows. Because it would be an emo mess of things. I’ll just list em off so I don’t let my mind wander into this bad territory…I can’t be doing that while in finals week.

  • feelings of worthlessness, insecurities, not good enough, just self-depracation
  • difficulty in school and a risk of not being able to walk for graduation this May
  • feeling abandoned from my family
  • feeling a lack of purpose in life
  • too much uncertainty and lack of support about my future career (now that I’ve abandoned my dad’s CPA dreams)
  • loneliness
  • possible diagnosis…..
  • lots of anxiety and unable to sleep.

All that aside, much support from my church friends, my sisters in my house, and God, I’ve been able to live well.  Many thanks to God for blessing me with the people in my life to be able to go on. He is so good.

Okay enough procrastinating, time to study auditing >.<

It peeves me wh…

It peeves me when people treat me like an idiot or talk down to me with “knowledge”. Or when people will repeat what I say, but will correct me by using technical terms or some scientific jargon.  Please get off your high chair and allow me to kick your royal crown off your head.

That would be all.
Thank you =)

Peace & love.
harhar 

Until Baptism…

I think I’ve been becoming very self-absorbed lately…with thinking about my Artspeak performance and with thinking about my future. It’s just been all about me, me, me. And it’s distorted my heart to selfish desires and self-fulfillment.

I’m going to be baptized this coming Sunday-Easter Sunday (whooooot!) BUT for some reason, I’ve hit this impenetrable wall with God.  I don’t want to pray to Him.  All my anxieties are in my head and not poured out to Him in prayer…even praying for others is hard. Talking to God in general is like gasping for deep huffs and puffs while running up a mountain. I can’t pinpoint why I’m feeling like this, especially after pouring out my heart on Saturday night at Artspeak; ESPECIALLY if I’m going to be declaring aloud my new life to God this Sunday.  What’s going on? Is the devil taking a hold of me? Is he bringing me down? Is it just me?

I also feel the temptation to hide from others after Saturday night…I think I just feel so exposed and stripped of the bare minimum.  I feel so naked from a raw me and a real me.  It felt great to reveal myself right afterwards, but now hours after, I’m feeling judged and wanting to keep my distance from others.  I feel afraid that people really see me now and knows me and my heart.

I’m fighting those feelings as much as I can by headbutting them with love.  I’m just going to keep showing love to others and opening up to them.  Letting myself receive their love too.   I have to let myself receive God’s love too because of that obstructing wall.

The devil, that foo, can’t get a hold of me.  As Immortal Technique says “A dance with the devil might last forever” (Not that “Dance with the Devil” is me in any way haha but ya know??)

March 31st-Performing my first monologue

 

Our 2012 ArtSpeak theme, Vices and Virtues, parallels Highrock’s study of the Seven Deadly Sins during the season of Lent. Historically, the Seven Deadly Sins (capital vices) have been explored widely in art and literature from Dante’s Divine Comedy to iconic paintings by artists like Bosch and Bruegel.  In contemporary artistic practice, from art to film, poetry to dance, the theme of human vices has not been lost, still transcending divisions between Christian and secular art. We are very excited to be exploring the theme of Vices and Virtues as a church and artistic community.

 

So it’s been a while since I’ve done acting and monologues.  Brings me back to high school day Speech days…

Aside from it being a long while ago, I’ll be performing my own monologue about my mom.  Which is even harder.  I’ve become really anxious the past two weeks over it and I’m starting to have doubts.  I’m scared to be so open and vulnerable to a crowd of people who I will have to face every Sunday.

But it’s a big step that I feel God compelling me to leap into.  So I’m just praying and holding onto God.  He is my source of strength and only His love and grace can move through all of this.  Not by my willpower but His own. =)

Those moments of self-doubt.

Having this stupid moment of self-doubt.

There’s something I do that bothers me.

So I’ve heard from several people that I can appear quite intimidating, especially in a classroom setting I can be very stoic and “in the zone.” So I took that to heart because I never wanted people to think of me that way.  I don’t ever want people to feel afraid to approach me or talk to me.

And then I’ve learned recently to do things the opposite way…

When I feel inferior to people or uncomfortable around somebody, my initial reaction is to dumb myself down.  This way, people can feel comfortable around me–free to be themselves and laugh along for the ride.

As a result, people don’t take me seriously and I know they don’t mean to, but they treat me like I’m an absent-minded, foolish, silly girl (which I am!) But that’s only one side of me.  Then people won’t actually hear me out and listen to me when I feel like I have something important to say.  I like to have fun, yes, and I like to play around so that whoever I’m speaking with will feel at ease with me, but there’s quite a bit of knowledge and wisdom sitting this brain too (Sorry for sounding like a narcissistic prick).

I don’t like talking about those things I’ve done.  And I know I should stop talking like an idiot and actually construct sentences without simple words such as “like” “awesome” and “cool” because that’s my fault that people then see me as an idiot.   But I don’t like doing it because it makes me feel..well…like a narcissistic prick! haha.

Okay, I don’t know where I’m getting at but I just needed to rant.  Because after I feel like someone is seeing me as a fool and not taking me seriously, then I feel like I have to prove them wrong again.

Swinging like a pendulum…

A Xanga entry on November 7, 2004

“. . . this is why i dont go to churchh i dont believe in a God..i feel like God hasn’t done anything for me…i mean, it wasn’t God who got me grades that are practically all As, it wasn’t Him who got me material things-food on the table, a safe home, money to pay the bills, and if there really is a God, then why does he let us feel depressed and all the bad things in the world”

My have things changed…

He Gives and Takes Away

Acts 2:46-47
46They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity— 47all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being esaved.
This is my livelihood for the next few weeks.
When I decided to take a leave of absence, little did I know that I would be doing so to sign up for EMT classes.  It’s been a wonderful decision thusfar.  It’s freeing to just walk out of my house to find a life bustling in the quaint city of Cambridge and walk past local book stores and grocery stores.
On a more skeptical note, maybe it is a “honey moon stage” of my new life, where everything is unripe and fresh.  But why choose to be skeptical and sad than enjoy the moment and live gratefully to God each day? 🙂
Taking EMT class was a bit of a dilemma though.  The classes fell right in the middle of the time of my Monday night  Highrock Women’s Bible Study, the group I have started to call my “Sisters” and the family that has helped me to see that “I don’t need to do this on my own” (which is something a lonely-me needed to have finally learned!)
I knew I had to take these classes though so I bit my lip as I decided to say goodbye to my small group.  And I was a little disappointed at God, thinking, “Why?!” This was the first time I felt a true family and the first time I ever felt connected to a church.  It was also the first time I ever felt settled into something.  It seems so simple and stupid right? Feeling that I had a family? It’s like learning what love feels like for the first time to me. It’s beautiful and birds chirping in my heart. (oh mang so cheesy…)
So I thought, oh man again I have to make another transition in my life. I JUST WANT TO SETTLE DOWN INTO SOMETHING. I was feeling the bruises of loneliness, while praying fervently to God, knowing that there was a reason for why He “took this away” from me. Better things were yet to come.
And that’s when I met new Christians at Bentley. (Funny how I’m not at Bentley anymore and I’m meeting them now?) Seekers. Yay! The beautiful thing is, I barely know some of them, yet I feel their hearts yearning for purpose in life, seeking compassion, wanting to explore this intuitive feeling of “there is more to life”.  And I started feeling compelled to help feed that thirst.
I decided to start a small group of Bentley seekers.  As I was “googling” small group resources and looking at discussion topics, I ran across the verse above.  It echoes in my head.  When I first read this verse, a resplendent image of boisterous laughter, sharing (both our stories and mucho food hehe), and warm relationships.  We’re in my dining table-I’m passing down a plate of warm toasty fresh potatoes across the table and one’s laughing until peas come out of his nose amid the clanging of forks landing on platters.
Look how happy and perfect we are! Golly!
 I’m really enthusiastic about this group of lovely Bentley students.  Of course, I know it’s not going to be this picturesque haha. What actually is? There will be tough times and times of confusion for sure.  I certainly don’t have all the answers, but God does. And I can only hope that through relationship building and compassion I can help them see God’s love.
I don’t even know who follows my blog any more since I don’t update it very well.  But whoever still reads this, I would appreciate your prayers with all my heart. 🙂