The past two days feel like a daze. My last day in Barcelona, I went to Costa Brava with my dear amigos, which by the way was absolutely breath-taking! I can’t believe we didn’t go before! Only a two hour train ride north from Barcelona, and you end up in a stunning paradise of mountains, picturesque white villas, and the clear blue Mediterranean. Spent a marvelous last day there and then said reluctantly said goodbyes before my flight at 8AM the next day. It was hard to take in that I would be leaving a life that I had finally settled into and it was so difficult to say goodbye of course.
My flight flew to Munich and then flew to JFK from there-in total the trip was 12 hours. I then spent 14 hours at home, buying certain necessities, running errands, cuddling with my dog for hours, spending a lovely day with my two best friends, and then hopped on a new flight to Korea. PHEW. I am EXHAUSTED.
I landed here at around 4AM and since I will be starting work tomorrow at the 서울시청 (Seoul City Hall) my family did their best to keep me up so that I could fight my jetlag. I don’t think falling asleep on the first day of work at a government institution would be too impressive…yeah…
Just as I thought my life could not have been going through any more ups and downs of emotions, I was proven very wrong. After saying hellos to my mom’s sister and brother (이모 and 삼춘) we drove to see my grandmother. My brother had told me before that she was in a very bad state and found it extremely hard to see her, so I was a bit prepared. But when I saw her so frail, with an oxygen mask connected to ten different machines, I just froze. The first ten minutes I was in complete shock to see my mom breaking down as she held my grandmother’s hand. And then I just let all emotions loose and a waterfall of tears came out of my eyes as well. What was so hard to see was the fact that my grandmother is concious. Her eyes opened, but she doesn’t know how to talk, all we can hear from her is her groaning in pain through her oxygen mask. We can see her tearing, and though she can’t say anymore than that, we can feel how much she is hurting. It sounds horrible to say but I think it would be better if God took her from us now. Isn’t it better for her to live at peace with God rather than to continuously drag on suffering with the pain she has endured for the past decade?
What a rollercoaster of emotions these few days have been for me indeed. Dealing with goodbyes, resettling into my new life as a changed person, seeing my grandmother, starting work tomorrow. Stressed, stressed, stressed.
All this traveling hasn’t given me proper time to think. Thoughts, memories, and realizations are replaying in my head but not slow enough for me to really think about them. I feel like everything is just passing before my eyes and I’m so helpless as to what to do.
Anyway, let me end this on a happy note before I go off to bed. After a sad visit to my grandmother, we went straight to my other grandparent’s house and settled in there. My grandparents are always so happy to see us and especially since they haven’t seen my brother in years, they were simply beaming when they saw how much their little grandson had grown. We had lunch together and spent the whole day just simply enjoying each other’s company. My mom had said at lunch that mood of everyone changes when we come to visit and it is so true. I couldn’t help but smile all day. It feels so good to have almost all of us together has a family. It’s never this way because having the entire family come to visit is so costly.
I couldn’t help thinking about the idea that my dad, my aunt (who lives in New York as well), will both be coming to Korea soon, and we’ll all be together in August as one huge family to celebrate my grandfather’s 80th. It sounds so corny, I know. But for now, this is keeping me through my chaotic life. =)