Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.

This 30 day thang has been extended to a long year..
Whoops.

I take a deep sigh, sit up straight in my chair, crack my knuckles, and chuckle a little to myself as I think about this topic.
Oh mom…oh dad.
How I hated you so.
“Omg! How could you say that!!??”
Uh yeah well I did. And when I say hate, I don’t just say it out of a state of spite. I actually mean hate.

I don’t want to be that angsty everybody-hates-me teenager but it was true..my parents did wrong me in many ways. I’m going to be utterly honest: they were not the best parents.  When my friends would say, “My  mom is my best friend! I tell her everything!” I would think in my head, “WTF is wrong witchu girl?!”
Really, I would stand scratching my head at this.

I have to say though. I was a really good compliant child even when in retrospect, my mother was not the best mother. I did everything that was asked of me. I liked being an obedient child. I liked pleasing my parents.
You know, it takes one person to change your mind. One person to squeeze one droplet of black ink to taint an entire beaker of clear water. That black ink was “Melinda.”

I remember waiting outside of school after orchestra rehearsal with my new best friend Melinda (how funny the levity of how we define a mere play pal as a “best friend” when we are young). I’m being picked up to go to tennis practice, which was to be followed by after school SAT class, which was again to be followed by rehearsal at the Metropolitan Youth Orchestra later in the evening. I really didn’t mind doing any of this…or did I? Well, Melinda asked me “So let’s hang out and do homework together.”
“No, I have to go to tennis.”
“Okay. How about after?”
And I proceed to tell her the post-tennis activities.
With scrutiny she asks, “Do you even like doing this stuff?”
Aloof. “Um..not really?”
“Then why do you do it?”

The black ink had began to dissipate through the bonds of H2O. Why do I do it?! Wait…how come I do this stuff? How come my mom never asks me for my opinion…She never talks to me about how I feel….Poisoned.

And that was the beginning of a terrible and effed up relationship with my parents. A Pandora’s box was opened. I finally polished the brain and mind to speak up for myself, which really just led to complete disrespect of my parents.

There’s been a lot of hurt and disrespect…but thankfully, there’s also been a lot of healing and reparation. When God came into both my life and my mom’s life, He really showed us a little face of grace (check out that rhyme). My mom was able to heal a bit of her own struggles and depression through God, which enabled her to love me.  Pre-God, she was hurting a lot and taking it out on my brother and I. She did not know how to express any emotion that was nurturing, loving, or sensitive. And God truly broke down those walls, softened her heart, and she expressed all this to me two years ago.  It was one of the biggest breakthroughs of our relationship. My mom? Actually being humble and vulnerable?! She learned what real love was through the unconditional and perfect love of God.

And I can say for myself that I learned the same. I still struggle with so many insecurities and emotional difficulties mostly because of my mother and I never thought I could forgive her; because God extended grace to me in so many situations, I know what that looks like and know that I must love her because God loves her despite anything.

We are all sinners no matter what good we try to do. We can only find salvation and hope in God.  He is the one who saves.

Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.

This 30 day challenge has been taking me a year to complete.  What a testimony to my endurance in task completion. -_-

Anywhos I’ve actually avoided this one because I wanted to soak in my 2012 a little before I started writing about anything without premeditation.

2012 has been the most interesting year thusfar.  Finally, it hasn’t just been an up and down year of depression–but I’ve been experiencing deep emotions from my spirit.  I’ve experienced the most spiritual high I’ve ever felt that surpasses any happiness or excitement I’ve ever felt (and that says a lot for someone who easily tickled and excited by anything)
I’ve learned what it truly feels like to have a family.  The new house that I’ve moved into has been one of the biggest blessings of my life.  I feel that blessing every.day.  I’ve never felt truly loved, cared for, supported, or comfortable in any situation of living I have been in my entire life.  I wish this were an exaggeration but I guess never having a good family or living situation in general, I can feel this goodness to such a great extent.  I live and breathe God’s love every single day.  It’s amazing.  It makes me think “wow, this is what God wants a family to look like.”

I’ve also never been the youngest in any situation.  I’m always the oldest in my family gatherings, oldest in family friend parties, and such. Having four older ladies acting as older sister figures is really strange for me.  I have no idea how to accept other people’s love and care. I’ve always been the provider and as that older sister role, you are used to saying “no” if your sibling asks if they could do something for you.  It’s understood that I do it for the sake of my younger ones.  As good as it is to be a server, I learned how important it is to accept love and be served too.  I learn to trust others and to know that people care about me too. Its not just a one way street.  It feels really…good? haha

Being baptized was also a jovial celebratory occasion.  I have never felt such pure joy and bliss in my life to have celebrated with my church family and have a part of my own family there to celebrate with me.  I wanted to cry tears of joy the whole day.  My spirit was just overflowing and spilling over with waterfalls of God’s spirit and love.  I thought to myself “this is what heaven must feel like.”

Of course there have been lows, I feel like I’ve shredded off an old dead callous me-just as how skin cells are always shedding dead skin cells.  I guess that’s the point of baptism…new birth! Go figure Suz. But in all seriousness, my eyes have been widened to new life and a new perception of absolutely everything.

There have been a lot more curveballs thrown at me this semester too though.  Aside from my depression and anxiety, my broken family, and struggles with my plans after grad, I’ve lost a lot of friendships in the mix.  New hardships have come and I can’t say that I’m happy when I talk about them.  But I’m at peace. I’m at peace with the fact that God’s got it.  Everything in this life is temporary and the only constant is God. Although old friendships have been fading out, a part of me is thankful. I’m thankful because some of those old friendships had too much brokenness and hurt me so deeply that meeting new friends have shown me my need for friendships that build me up…not the ones that have been bringing me down.  I’m babbling now because I am procrastinating. (I tend to write the longest entries during midterm weeks and final weeks huh? LAWLS)

Anywho, I prefer not to go so deep into the lows. Because it would be an emo mess of things. I’ll just list em off so I don’t let my mind wander into this bad territory…I can’t be doing that while in finals week.

  • feelings of worthlessness, insecurities, not good enough, just self-depracation
  • difficulty in school and a risk of not being able to walk for graduation this May
  • feeling abandoned from my family
  • feeling a lack of purpose in life
  • too much uncertainty and lack of support about my future career (now that I’ve abandoned my dad’s CPA dreams)
  • loneliness
  • possible diagnosis…..
  • lots of anxiety and unable to sleep.

All that aside, much support from my church friends, my sisters in my house, and God, I’ve been able to live well.  Many thanks to God for blessing me with the people in my life to be able to go on. He is so good.

Okay enough procrastinating, time to study auditing >.<

Day 16-Your Views on Mainstream Music

Day 15-Favorite Blogs
Day 16-Your Views on MainStream Music

I don’t really have favorite blogs that I follow actually since none of my friends really do keep one =/

So moving onto Day 16–I feel like everyone dislikes mainstream music.  But then you know what’s really kinda interesting is the fact that there’s a “mainstream underground music” thing going on.  So people who don’t like radio music listen to very popular “not-on-the-radio” music, which includes Red Hot Chili Peppers, Radiohead, Bob Marley, Ingrid Michaelson (hehe which I’m guilty of liking too =P) Anywho, sometimes mainstream music is catchy man.  For instance, Rihanna pumps out hit after hit after hit.  Her music is friggin addicting!  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like her songs or bust a move to them.

I’m not the biggest fan of main stream, but I also like it for this main reason: if we didn’t have mainstream music, strangers wouldn’t be able to come together in restaurants, karaoke bars, or clubs and jam along in unison, right? Main stream music is almost like common and shared knowledge among the people from all over the States to enjoy.

Dang I’m so corny.

Well, trashy mainstream music is something I cannot become fond of no matter what.  KevJumba agrees:

Day 14 – Your earliest memory.

My little brother, cousin, and I in Korea

I think my very first memory was when I was maybe around 3 years old.  I went to temple with my family…back when my parents were Buddhist 

My parents dressed me in a hanbok, that was itchy and scratchy.  But unlike most kids I loved sporting the long woven dress.  Maybe it was because I was a fugly plump mushroom hair-styled boy who wanted to look like my actual gender (the picture above was taken about two years later so please don’t use that as a reference…I’m too embarrassed to put a real picture of fat me haha)
I remember kneeling to Buddha.
Ceilings adorned with magenta and red lanterns–  typical of any Korean buddhist temple.
Twirling around in my Yellow and pink flowered hanbok
Feeling the wisps of air from the force of my circular motions.

Day 13-Somewhere you’d like to Move or Visit

Hmmm…I don’t know if there is one particular location that I am absolutely itching to go to.
I also don’t think I have one particular place that I am confident I will settle into.
I just don’t know what is going to come into my life…I know in the future, there’s no settling for me anytime soon.

Chances are, I’m not going to be settling my butt into a nest anytime soon.  I want to live and move about. Be a single independent woman, discover life, myself, and thirst for the endless possibilities out there.  I would like to live in San Francisco for a bit or London, and definitely NYC for some time too.  Korea is also appealing.  But I don’t know.  Like I said in my previous entry, planning is not me.  I’ll have overviews in my head but not an agenda.  There’s a difference, I promise I’m not crazy.  An overview is just that…an over…view. But an agenda is a list of activities that are pending execution in the near future.

I’m keeping my mind open.  27 months of the Peace Corps at whatever location God decides for me will perhaps provide more of a guided route for me.
As for where I would like to visit? Come on, don’t you know me by now? You can send me to Timbuktu or freaking middle-of-nowhere Guam and I will still have a blast 🙂

Day 12 – Bullet your whole day

Tuesday, April 26, 2011
  • 7AM: Waking up in the morning, gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
    Gotta have my bowl gotta have cereal-seeing everything the time is going
    Ticking on and on everybody’s rushing.  Gotta get down to the bus stop.  Gotta catch my bus.
    —-That is legitimately what happened word for word.  Thank you Rebecca Black for putting it in song form.—-
  • 8AM: On the Bentley Shuttle…falling asleep with my Ipod on.  It’s on shuffle playing all this party music with rowdy bass going on.  Can’t handle it.  It’s too early for that.  Manually switch to Nujabes for calming, soothing music. Long live Nujabes.
  • 8:40AM: WTF Stupid traffic. I’m going to be late to work.  Stupid fog. What the heck it was a gorgeous Sunday. Why couldn’t it have stayed that way?!
  • 8:45AM: The dude next to me on this overcrowded subway kinda stinks.  Will hold my breath for the next 20 minutes until I need to switch to the Green line.
  • 8:47AM: He needs to unglue his eyes away from my arse. Kay thanks.
  • 9:10AM: Get a WTF look from my co-worker as I grace the office with my “MC Hammer Pants.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about please see my most recent profile picture haha
  • 11:30AM: Get to the Hampshire House in Boston, where the UNICEF Women’s Luncheon is being held.  This place is so cute.  Oh look, Cheers was an actual bar? Here? Cool.
  • 12:30PM: Here comes the ladies all blinged out in their “probably-as-expensive-as-my-college-tuition” clothing.
  • 12:31PM: Want to steal this lady’s dress.
  • 12:31:30PM: Oh, she’s the wife of the owner of Karmaloop.com.  Figures.
  • 12:33PM: She is so beautiful, successful, wealthy, and even funny and down-to-earth. Dang it. She is so cool–> Developing a lesbian crush on her. Can’t stop staring at her. Okay, I’m a creep.
  • 1PM: So hungry. Gobble this fancy schmancy salmon salad with all these fancy schmancy utensils.  Yum.
  • The guest speaker is actually very interesting. And he’s a good looking man for someone with age…with an Aussie accent. Mmm..
  • 5PM: Prepping to go to the cocktail reception at the house of Greg, the CEO of Karmaloop.
  • The most gorgeous apartment in Boston I’ve ever seen.
  • 6:30PM: Mad hipsters strolling in.  They’re kind of pretentious. Isn’t that totally contradictory of the what a hipster stands for? I don’t get it.
  • Chanelle, the other intern, and I are sipping on some good wine and the in-house waiter serves us delicious Russian appetizers.
  • 7:30PM: Feelin warm and fuzzy…More wine….
  • Eat calamari.  I don’t understand why it’s so expensive? They’re good but I don’t think I would pay an extravagant amount for them.  Or maybe it’s just cus I don’t have that kind of money? Yeah…
  • Greg shakes my hand and tells me to keep up the good work and that I’m doing a great job.  What a chill dude.
  • He strolls by occasionally to crack jokes and we talk. Asks me if I’ve ever heard of Karmaloop. “Of course I have!” Gives me his business card and asks if I ever want an internship to contact him. Warmly accept his card and firmly shake his hand and coolly say, “Thank you.” But inside, I am trying to suppress myself from bursting in song of excitement.
  • 8:40PM: Go back to Harvard  Square to catch the bus.
  • 9PM: Miss the bus.
  • Go to CVS and read magazines until the next bus comes in an hour.  Pick up magazine with Justin Bieber on the cover.
  • 9:30PM: 14 year old comes in and picks up the same one. . .
  •  9:50PM: Go to bus stop again. . . only to see it already has left.  Wtf it’s early?!?
  • Wait again…. Thank God I brought “Let the Great World Spin” to read. It’s such a well-written and compelling book.
  • 10:50PM: Back to the bus stop… IT LEFT EARLY AGAIN. LOOVE my luck.
  • Nick, is my savior of the night, and comes to pick me up.  I feed him Cocoa Puffs in return for being an awesome person.
  • 12AM: Watch an episode of  Friends Season 2.  One of the best TV series still to date.
  • Night Night. =)

Day 11 – Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

1) With Rainy Eyes – Emancipator
2) The Thing About Love – Alicia Keys
3) Oxford Comma-Vampire Weekend
4) Heart Skipped a Beat – The XX
5) Loving You – Minnie Riperton
6) This is it – Michael Jackson
7) Never Let You Go – Justin Bieber (YESSSS<3)
8 ) The Message – Nas
9) Slow Motion – Karina Pasian
10) You got Me-The Roots

Wow,  my shuffle did an awesome job of putting together some of my favorite artists.  It also did an awesome job of getting a little bit from each genre–rap, hip-hop, oldies, indie, r&b, soul…missing some here and there but for the most part shuffle did a pretty darn good job 🙂

Day 10 – Your First Love

I think I sort of dreaded writing this one to be honest.  4-5 years have passed since my first love so why do I get the heeby-jeebies when I start to write this.  (Wtf, Did I really just say heeby-jeebies?)  Anyway, maybe it’s all the tears and fighting that have been an undulating high and low of emotions.  *sigh* I sure do not miss that.

First love. Such a trip. *Warning this post is going to be a memory dump, and not well-written*

I don’t know where this post is going because, considering the last 4 months of our relationship consisted of an ocean of tears. But the first 8 months were a dream because my first love was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first boy I ever really talked to, my first everything.

We met at a non-profit organization that I was volunteering at during the summer entering my junior year of high school. And I think what attracted to me was his passion for the cause. He was so active in voicing his opinions and getting out there to help out in any way he could. At this time, I was very shy and not like how I am now. A small group of interns and I met everyday over the summer and that’s how we really got to know each other to eventually exchange IM info., inside jokes…the next thing I knew he was planning a surprise sweet sixteen for me.  I remember he dressed in a nice shirt and tie for it too. He was a total romantic. My first kiss was the end of that night. Happy birthday to me.

We were inseparable. I cannot believe the lengths we went to see each other. He went to school in the city, yet everyday made the commute to see me after school. or sometimes I would take an hour bus ride to him after school. I had to do it. We were so naively in love that I couldn’t spend even a second without missing him and feeling sad about not being by his side.

He remembered every little thing I told him and would make them come true. I remember just one time in the summer I told him how I’d never seen the Radio City Christmas show but wanted to see it. Next thing I knew, for Christmas we were in Radio City Hall. We wrote each other lengthy mushy gushy love letters on the first of every month (when we were first “established”) I snuck out of the house at night, took a cab all the way to Queens to see him.  Every night, we talked on the phone until we fell asleep about endless nothings-even about marriage. I flaked on my friends to see him. (Something I still feel sorry for to this day). I was head over heels. It was nobody but me and him.

I don’t know when it all started falling apart, but I guess we were way too much in love that we couldn’t stand the other even talking to another girl or another guy. We would fight excessively over the very few guy friends that I had. He would get upset if a shirt was not entirely covering me (even if it really was). It was almost obsessive. I wasn’t allowed to drink or go out without his permission or him there. and I foolishly listened to him. Because I loved him. I wanted to make him happy even if I had to suppress so many of my own desires and wants. After a while, it just started going down hill. We fought, made up, cried every. single. day. Everyday was an emotional roller-coaster. But we still couldn’t part from each other.

To try to recreate the spark between us, I planned an elaborate surprise birthday for him the end of June. I planned a scavenger hunt for him all around Flushing with clues taped on areas of inside jokes, memorable places, etc. One of the places was a park, where I laid out a picnic waiting for him. And then gave him his next clue. At the end of the day, the last clue led to a restaurant where all his friends were waiting for him with a cake I made for the occasion as well. After all that, of course the light in our relationship was re-lit….Until I left for my mission trip in Tanzania that summer. I experienced so many changes-one of which was truly discovering God. I was gone for a month and a half and we were unable to contact each other at all during that time.

On August 1, I found a phone and the second it hit 12AM that day, I called him to wish him a happy one year anniversary. I expected him to be absolutely thrilled and wonderfully surprised, like any other normal human being would be. But he just seemed almost bothered that I called him. I knew something was wrong but we didn’t have time to talk about it because minutes were running out on my phone. After I returned, we broke up.  Not what I needed to hear during such an unstable phase in my life.  He gives me a b.s. reason about why but I knew it was because he was leaving for college that fall.
I was completely heartbroken and destroyed, I needed somebody there for me after all the changes I’ve been going through. I needed him.  But it was such a healing process.

After I healed with time and the help of God, I felt the power of independence and strength overcome me. I would never let anyone take advantage of me like that and toy with me like that ever again.  My heartbreak from my first love created a stepping stone to one of the biggest changes of my life.  I cut my hair short: a symbol of a new me. Strong. Independent. Not afraid to express myself. Not afraid to talk back.  I was always a strong believer of the trite phrase: “Everything happens for a reason.” For reals, it did.

Ever since then, I’ve never been able to fully trust any guy after, open up to any guy, or be vulnerable in any way.  I’ve always tried, but it was always with fail that I was ever able to expose myself and let myself go again.  I became like a clam that may peek open slowly, but then quickly shut close tightly again.  But I am such a mushy-gushy fluffy softie inside. And I’m the type of person, where when I love someone/something, my love and loyalty is boundless beyond anything of this world.

I know that with time the right man will come along, where I’ll be able to fall in love again and do all silly little things that love makes you do.  For now, I wait.  I’m slow to trust, but quick to accept others.  I want to fall in love again and want to do these crazy things.  But then again, it’s just not the time.  I’ve got myself and my life to focus on. 🙂 It’ll come at the right time. I’m sure.

Day 8-Happiest Day of Your Life

Some of the best days I’ve ever had in my life have been while in Tanzania, but since I already wrote about Tanzania in my last entry about religion, I think I’ll go one with another incredible day: August 18, 2007.

I had just come back the beginning of that month from a whirlwind of a trip in Tanzania.
This was the starting point of when my life had changed.
This was when I came back to the States in a new house that my family had moved into while I was away.
This was when I returned with news that my first love (to be discussed in my next entry) became my ex-love.

I came back to a completelely disordered hodgepodge of a life.
This is where my amazing best friends came in–full force intervention–and salvaged me from the deep doo-doo I was in.

My 17th birthday party went a little something like this:
1) Kidnap me from my house.
2) Blindfold me and take me to an unknown location
3) The unknown location: dumpster site.
4) Leave me at a dumpster site and drive away.
5) “Just kidding.” And take me the real surprise: Picnic at Christopher Morley Park with other close friends!
6) Part II: The scavenger hunt
7) Crack into an eggshell for first clue.
8 ) Solve ridiculous math problems for the next clue
9) Step 9-18: Consists of more ridiculous activities (i.e. wax Pegah’s back, go to the nearest supermarket to make pb&j sandwiches like a slaveworker, color a page out of a coloring book, renact Mulan, etc. etc.)
18) Finally find my gift-a jacket that I’ve always wanted to buy!

How they came up with such a creative skillfully planned day? I don’t freaking know. But they are so insanely amazing.  They have seen me at my best and worst.  And they love me even at my worst.  They know the intricate details of my life and know me for all my flaws; yet, they embrace them.  They are beautiful-inside and out.  They are all so talented and unique in their own ways, and are just looming with potential for success in life.  They live highly with their morals always in check and a strong sense of care and forgiveness for everyone.  They have been nothing but positive influences on my life.  I may not be certain about my future and what is to come, but one thing for sure is they will continue to play a huge role in my life for decades to come.

I love them so much.

Back in the day…

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Day 6-30 Facts. But I cheated the system and added one more =P

Day 5 is just too personal and uncomfortable for me to share!

So here goes Day 6:

1) These are mad hard for me because I just don’t know how to sum up myself in 30 phrases.  I don’t even know myself well enough to do that! Also, to be completely honest, I’m afraid of people boxing me into this one kind of person in the 30 phrases that I spit out.  I think I’m more complicated than that though.

2) I have this really bad tendency to stare off into space or stare off into a certain region. So if it looks like i’m grilling you or being a creeper by checking you out. I’m not, I promise. I just can’t help blanking out and living in my own swirl of thoughts in my head hahaha

3) If I’m sarcastic or mean in front of you in any way, I promise that means that I like you.  I’m usually bubbly and sweet to people I don’t necessarily feel comfortable with or know too well, but if I have a good sense about you, I’ll be mean to you.  Hatred is how I show affection? haha

4) I really don’t judge.  I try to appreciate people for who they are and try to be as understanding as I could possibly be by looking at the broad picture.

5) I truly honor honesty above most qualities.  Even if the truth hurts, I will value the truth above all else.  I don’t like sugar coating and I don’t like beating around the bush.  Please just say it.  People think that by avoiding the truth, they are being nicer that way.  I understand that.  But it’s not genuine to me.  Just be real. I may appear hurt in the beginning, but after a few moments, I will get over it and respect you for being strong and honest.

6) This is just an observation: I think a lot of people don’t realize that being nice means acting humbly for others without the selfish reason that it would impress others or make you look good by doing so. On that note, I believe humility is one of the most attractive and beautiful qualities in a person.

7) I have a firm grip on my beliefs of what’s wrong and what’s right. I try to live my life with conviction. But sometimes I have the tendency to do things I know I shouldn’t be doing…which makes me look like a hypocrite. So it kinda sucks that I’m aware of what’s right, but go against it. if that makes any sense?

8) I feel like I’m publicly embarrassing. I wish I had some shame in the things I say and do. Sometimes I like it in a weird way-makes life interesting. But sometimes I hate it because my shamelessness leads to others’ embarrassment.

9) Food is my boyfriend. I know people say it’s all psychological, but I am sort of convinced that food (especially chocolate) is therapeutic.

10) No wait.  Actually, MUSIC is my boyfriend.  My music collection eats up about 15 GB on my laptop.  Kind of a problem haha but I appreciate all kinds of music-soul/R&B, jazz, classical,  indie, pop, rock, rap (real rap not the Lil Wayne main-stream crap), etc. I don’t know where and what I would be without music.

11) I appreciate art in all forms-music, dance, poetry, rap, paintings.  Dam, I could spend a whole day at certain art museums.

12) I like being alone.  I like thinking to myself and having time to myself to do things.  Last year, I studied abroad pursuing complete independence.   I used to like traveling alone, shopping alone, eating alone.  After being abroad though and trekking cities on my own, I realized that I can’t be this independent and strong person that I’ve always been.  I can’t do it all alone.  People need people.  People need companionship.

13) On that same note, I really don’t know how to consistently be with someone or a group of friends without feeling like I’m being super clingy and attached. There are so many memories and stories I want to share with people that I simply cannot because I don’t allow myself to open up and express my emotions entirely to someone.

14) One of my greatest fears is getting close to people, fully expressing my true emotions, and being attached to people.

15) Tanzania 2007<3 THE most incredible irreplaceable memory I will cherish for as long as I live.

16) My emotions go to the extremes: If I love something, I am absolutely passionate, dedicated, and die-hard about it, if I’m anxious/worried about something, it will take over my mind no matter what I do, and etc.  But if I truly care about something or find a passion about something, 200% of my heart and soul goes into accomplishing it.

17) I love a challenge.  I’m driven by trying new things and not afraid to push my limits to try something new.  I know that even if it will be difficult, I will learn something from it. Sh-t happens. You live and grow.

18) I have a big problem of letting feelings build up inside of me. I don’t get angry easily, but when I do, it results from a build up of little things that might irritate me…and it just gets really messy. boo.

19) I usually have a good intuitive sense about people.  Not to toot my own horn, but most the time I’m right about people.  I don’t share these insights, but usually I’m not surprised to hear certain things people reveal to me about themselves.

20) I love surprises of any kind-big or small. I don’t care, but I admire spontaneity, creativity and spunk.

21)  I like gentlemen.  No “bad boys”.  Where oh where has chivalry gone?

22)  I want to be in a relationship. After my first relationship, I don’t think I’ve ever been that vulnerable to anyone in my life.  I’ve never reached that level again and it is probably because I am so afraid to ever be that vulnerable and exposed to someone.  I try to open/express myself deeply but end up getting too nervous and afraid.  But I am always striving to break out of this mentality.

23) I find a great happiness and joy in working with kids.  I guess it’s because I can be my own inner kid 🙂

24) Life goal: Make a change.
I feel that any third-world nation that needs to be aided can only be supported by food and safety needs for so long by other power nations.  It’s the fallacy in infrastructure, government, and ultimately, the economy.  One strong way to help reshape a nation is by developing businesses with solid business knowledge.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do before I went to college but now that I’m in a business school. Im here with the mindset that I will be able to make a difference in these nations with the business education that I have by planting seeds of my help and words of business advice.

25) Life goal 2: Work/Live abroad.
I hope to find a job that would allow me to live abroad for two years or so.  At some point, I really would love to work in London for two years.  I used to think that England could not possibly that much different from America (“It’s just the U.S. with a British accent) But I am completely wrong.  The eclectic style, music, work life  culture is entirely different.  They seem so intelligent, cultured, charming , and I want to be part of it.

26) Three things I can’t do for life: decide on anything (even having a solid favorite color, movie, anything), multi-task (i fail at this), and fix my short-term memory(i have to write everything down)

27) I’m an absolute adorer of nature.  I love spending time outdoors and can get lost in the wonders of it it all. I love hiking, camping, or just getting dirty with nature.  Scenic views, stunning weather, and the fresh scent of nature are sublime.  I prefer to be outside reading a book or just sitting outside eating than be wrapped in television or media in general.  Those things can really be toxic without you even realizing.

28) In the same respects, I love the city as well.  I love the diversity of the people there, the hustle bustle, and the livelihood of it all. It is so invigorating.

29) As loud and talkative as I am, I have an extremely difficult time opening up to people. If I open up to you with something…anything, it is crucial that you keep the trust because trust is something I hold dearly. If you break that trust, honestly, there is no going back.

30) I love learning.  I think education is one of the most important pillars to being a well-rounded, tolerant, cultured person.  I’m not even talking about learning on a school-level.  I’m talking about anything-from learning to play ultimate frisbee to learning why a man-hole is round (have you ever considered that before?! Google it! IT’s interestinghaha) I like life and want to know about everything that’s out there.

31) My parents are two people I admire the most.  My dad created his own lifestyle for himself and my family through his own merits, motivation, and hard-work.  He went from absolutely nothing to being one of the most respected men in his field.  My mother I admire because she is the strongest person I know.  I’ve written a few entries about her in the past.  As I get to know her more and more, I peel off those stoic, cold layers of hers to reveal more wisdom, empathy, understanding, and knowledge that she has.  The more I get to know her the more surprised I am of how incredible of a woman my mom is.

Day 4-Religion

Your Views on Religion

I’ve been letting this topic sit for a few days because it’s a bit complicated and I also have so much I can say about this that I’d rather not blab on and on…But as I sit on this five hour traffic filled bus ride from Boston to New York, a voice inside a part of my head (the “I’ll do it later” area in my head that is piled up in chaotic disorganization with unfinished tasks that I continuously push off) tells me to stop chickening out.

Let’s see, where do I start with this…I guess with first my history of religion:

It starts back with my parents’ marriage 21 years ago.  My ardently Buddhist grandparents forcefully converted my Catholic mother as she took on the Jeong family name.  So when I was young, I vividly remember driving hours up state to remote temples in New York to bow to an over-sized gold statue I didn’t understand.  I distinctly remember my curious 7 year old self asking my dad what we were praying for: “You pray and ask Buddha for good things in your life.”

So when I knelt down in front of that big ol’ fat guy, I’d ask him “Please let my parents stop fighting.  Please let me get good grades and be happy when I’m old and 20 (dam my youthful self).”

Still, I didn’t understand who I was talking, what I was praying to, and why I was being punished on Sunday mornings to talk to someone I didn’t know when I could be comfortably sitting at home like a normal elementary school kid watching Sunday morning cartoons.

But what I did understand was an extraordinary sense of peace and serenity that followed along with being Buddhist.  My grandparents in Korea were the prime example of this.  Upon first glance, you’d think they were a poor old couple stuck in time of the 1960s.  But really, it’s just a humble choice of lifestyle.  It wasn’t even until four years ago that they finally bought a washing machine.  Prior to this new sensation, I distinctly remember every Sunday sitting on the floor of the 70s style bathroom, hand-scrubbing my own undershirts with my grandma.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen my grandmother upset about a thing.  Anytime something may go wrong, she just softly smiles in the most tranquil manner, showing that she acknowledges the big pieces of lard that comes in life, and accepts them.  She accepts them as a part of living, cracks  a joke, and moves along for the ride.

As years passed, my parents came to a point in their lives where work was all-consuming.  There wasn’t an extra hour to spend driving to temples and there also wasn’t an extra hour to spend at home either.  The presence of my parents in my childhood and teenage years was virtually non-existent.  I realize now that this was such an important influential factor in how religion has become such a precious part of my life.

I hit middle school and became severely depressed up until my first half of high school (that’s an entirely new story on its own haha)  As most Koreans are Christian, it was inevitable that my parents’ friends would try to bring our family to church.  One day, my mom called and asked if I wanted to go on a church retreat with one of my family friends.  Obviously, the initial reaction was “Huh?” But it was inevitable that I would go (after all, my mom is the omnipotent dictator in the household).

It was there that I discovered God and Christianity.  Messages about a Father God who was always there to pick up broken pieces in your life-they really touched me.  God provided a haven for me.  Through my depression and lack of family presence throughout my entire life, religion was such a comfort for me.  He was my Father who took me in under His wing.  From there, my life was starting to look up a little.

I’ve fallen in and out of faith; but my faith in God was truly planted firm after my missions trip in Tanzania.  An absolute blessing. Since then, my life has been turned upside down.  God has shown me an entirely different light and way to live life.  I’ve lived life with such a new purpose and I live with the comfort that there is something bigger outside of me-that it’s not in my control but His.  God has helped me to see that with God on my side, problems in my life seem smaller than they really have to be.  There has still been many  many ups and downs in my life, and I have continuously fallen in and out of my dedication to religion; nevertheless, when I fall hard, God really is always there to pick me back up. He has been my constant, my solace, and my Father figure.

So finally I get to my view on religion (hey, this was a pretty brief version compared to the one I wanted to write too!) : Everyone should believe in something.  All religions preach an extraordinary (and similar) message and a way of life.  Knowing there’s a force greater than you helps you through life’s sufferings and joys.  Have you ever met a religious person and seen that they have a certain light to them? How can they be so forgiving, warm, and so joyful that is almost a sense of pure bliss? A part of it comes from living a God-centered life, rather than always relying on your own rationale, intuition, and beliefs-a “you-centered” life.

My grandparents chose to live the most modest and basic lifestyle I think anyone in this age can live.  Why? Because they are simply content with what they already have and they just have so much heart to make others happy.  They are so willing to spend with no limit on their neighbors, friends, family, and they truly don’t expect anything back.  I remember walking down to Namdaemun Market with my grandma, and as we walked out of the subway, there were about 5 homeless people scattered around.  Her reaction to them was not one of pity and shame but of genuine care and concern.  She knelt down and gave every one of those men and women spare change.

Along those same lines, I’ve been touched by the most (insert adjective 10x better than incredible) people while in Tanzania.  One of the most poignant parts of my trip was my time at the orphanage. As my mission team and I were saying goodbye the night we were leaving, the kids were hanging on our arms for one last hug and grasp as we were walking to the van to leave. One girl stopped me, and as she gazed at me with teary eyes, she opened up her hand to reveal a beaded bracelet. I kept shaking my head. How could I take this from her? But she was adamant about giving it to me to the point of grabbing my wrist and by putting it on me. Even with almost nothing in this girl’s life, she wanted me to have probably the only bracelet she’ll ever own in her life.  God has truly touched her life.

Again, I’m digressing haha. Like I said, I can go on and on about moving and remarkable stories on faith. So to continue with my point: I think everyone should have faith in something-Buddha, Hindu gods, God, Allah, Jesus.

I see a lot of people around me are non-believers or firmly atheist.  I will never push religion on anybody nor will I criticize anybody for being this way.  I understand because I was once an atheist.  But I see my friends hurt, go down the wrong path in life, or live life with no meaning, motivation, or direction.  I don’t want anyone to just float along aimlessly, sitting and pondering life’s confusing questions…Just know, you don’t have to be alone.

I understand religion can seem quite skeptical, quite  archaic, and intimidating because some extremists lose themselves in their heat and passion for religion that they stray from the point of religion.  But just like you give any scientific theory a chance, people need to give a religious experience a chance.  This kind of experience is not something taught or broken down to a set of hard-cold facts and principles; it’s intangible and inexplicable beyond amounts.  It’s like music.  If you were to teach in front of a room full of people who didn’t know what music was, how do you explain what music is? To a certain extent, yes you can give a scientific definition about the motion of sound creating harmonies and etc.  Don’t kid yourself.  It’s more than that.  And religion provides an unfathomable, soul-fulfilling touch that is beyond any description.  Everyone should give it a chance 🙂

Day 3-Drugs and Alcohol

Alcohol—

This whole rowdy “I’m gonna get shwasty tonight” deal?  That was freshmen year and I think we all need to let that inner rebellion out….Thank God that’s over!

My view on alcohol now?
Two things:

1) Just be Responsible.  “I was drunk” shouldn’t be an excuse for certain actions.  You can control yourself and stop yourself from doing things if you really put your mind to it.  Granted, it’s difficult in that state; but it’s doable.  Be above it.
2) I enjoy drinking on a very social level–over dinner or just with a small group of friends who you can say silly things with and talk about ridiculous things with.  Just a simple time.  That’s all.  I like that.

 

Drugs—-

I already have my own dose of psycho in my head so I could do without drugs just fine 🙂

Day 2-In 10 Years…

Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

Hahahaha this one’s great.  Because guess what? I don’t know! Not at all

I’ll be working…somewhere…or should I make that plural?

I don’t expect to have this one figured out until I’m actually 30.  Like any other average college student (outside of Bentley), I used to worry all the time and taunt myself with “What the heck am I going to do with my life?!”  This past winter break I really had time to clear my head and put things into perspective.  I don’t know how it came about.  But one day, it came to me: “No, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life.  Am I going to sit around–like I have been already–mentally torturing myself with worries and anxieties?  Wow, that’s really going to get me to figure it out.  Am I really sitting here swallowing myself whole in my own masochism? I’m still not going to figure it out no matter how much I think about it.”  On whole, I just gave myself my own big b*tch slap and wake-up call to just live.  I’ll let it come to me.  All it takes is acceptance.

I've accepted that I will pave my own many paths.

Acceptance that I may have to go through different paths in different cities around the globe to finally settle in the end. After graduation, I plan to pursue a five-year program for an M.S.A. or M.B.A. and then conquer that CPA exam.  That is the only sure part of my future plans.  Although I may have to jump around in my pursuits, I will not stop where I left off–and although accounting is not something I would like to continue my life with, I will take it where I need to before I unravel the next new chapter in my life.

Maybe I’ll do accounting for non-profit organizations and NGOs?  I definitely plan to attend graduate school again, but for a different degree–possibly education or psychology? Maybe I’ll be a high-school teacher? Maybe a college professor? Maybe I’ll work in an advertising firm in London? Or maybe I’ll be doing social work in Africa again?  As a floater, this is the way my life is bound to plan out. This is who I am:  I have way too many interests and hobbies, an insatiable curious mind, and a bursting anxious urge to see and experience everything I come in contact with. I’ve never been a settler, and it’s a sure thing that I will not become one any time soon.  I’m going to have to try out different things until I’ve found a sense of “Alright, I’ve lived enough.  This it it.” I’ve accepted life’s uncertainties.  And it puts me at a better place.

The world will have been a worn-out playground. I definitely need a people-oriented job and/or international relations focused career.   I’m hoping that after my CPA I’ll be working in jobs that have rotational programs and/or travel opportunities.  I certainly plan to work two years internationally ( London or Korea or anywhere)  Or hopefully I’ll have had a career that enabled me to travel to areas all over the world. Either way, I won’t be settled with myself at 30 unless I have lived out of this country.

I’ll be married…hopefully. From my last post, it’s clear that I believe in staying open to dating different kinds of people to grow as a person and gain experience.  While I still hold all this to be true, two qualities that are very important to me when looking to marry are: religion and ethnicity.  Christianity breeds an entirely distinct way of life that I know I want for my children and for their children.  Respecting my Korean culture is also something I hold very near and dear; holding that heritage will not only make my parents and grandparents happy but will also ground me and fulfill me in where my roots lie.

Finally, I’ll be content with life. After 10 years of experiencing various career paths, life experiences, and a few years with a wonderful marriage, I will have let go of all this strong urge to be doing something, being somewhere, learning anything!  I’ll reach a point where I’ve done so much that I can take a deep sigh and say “Dang, I really have lived!”  I don’t need a big white picket fence house with a green lawn, a luxury car, or anything extravagant of the sorts.  The simple life is the way for me.  I’ll be enlivened on a daily basis, by feeding off the simple yet fulfilling aspects of my life.  A steady job that doesn’t need to pay 200k a year.  As long as I’m grateful for what I already have and accepting of the things I don’t, I don’t need to find approval from any external forces.  I’ll simply be content.

This was one of the hardest posts to write so far because a) there’s so much I want to do with my life before 30 and b) I think about all this way too much that it’s all up in my head rather than on writing.   But what I want to end this is with another acceptance factor: Not everything is in your control. There shouldn’t be a timestamp or expiration date on e.v.e.r.y. part of our lives.  You take a load off your shoulder when you stop taking too much accountability of every aspect of your life according to planned. Expect the unexpected.  Let things be.

Day-1 Relationships

Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I went to church this morning and was enlightened by a great sermon and just the emotional vibe of being in church.  For a while, I’ve lost touch with my religion for a while and today resurged my spiritual thirst for a stronger relationship with God.  I realized that I can’t be in a relationship at this point in my life.  I need to reprioritze my life right now and the only way I can do that is through focusing on religion rather than investing my time in a boyfriend.

But it would be nice to have someone there… I don’t want a serious one at this point.  I don’t think I’m ready for that.  There’s a lot of things I still have to figure out about myself that requires my own independence and self-discovery.  The last thing I want is for me to turn to a man and expect him to fulfill me. BUT, I do want somebody there.  As I float through life, I want someone who will care for me and appreciate me.  I was explaining this to my friend earlier–about how I am a floater between different social groups, activities and extracurriculars, even different countries.  I’m just floating around, but I want a constant…someone who is my anchor and my stronghold through all of this.  I don’t think I expect too much.  I just want someone at the end of a long scheduled day to ask me “So how was your day?'”

It’s important to have experience and stay open.  I don’t have an ideal set of characteristics of “what would make the perfect boyfriend.”  It’s not to say I don’t have standards though!  I used to have this ideal in my head that the man I date/marry needs to be manly, in control, Korean, taller than me, kinda tan, be outgoing, take me out on extravagant dates (Korean drama style) etc. My first boyfriend was this very way and it went really well for a while, but I learned that by dating my so-called “ideal boyfriend” I was proven wrong.  What I thought was perfect turned out not to be at all and had I not tried the relationship out, I would never have known.  By opening myself up to many kinds of people, I learn both what I need in a relationship and what I don’t like.

Everyone is different and has something to offer.  You can’t look at a set check-list of characteristics.  I’ve learned it’s important to fully understand a person (their interests, passions, family life, past traumatic or best experiences) because you learn why they are they way they are.  You accept them better and you don’t get angry for little things that might frustrate you in a relationship.  For example,  I remember in one of my past relationships, the guy I was seeing was pretty inexpressive  in comparison to the one before, who was very outgoing and very expressive of his emotions towards me.  I would be a little frustrated at first, thinking to myself, “Wow either this guy is just emotionless or he just doesn’t know how to make a girl feel wanted.”  It turns out, that this guy was just very shy and was just afraid to open up to me.  I subconsciously expected this guy to be the same way as the past one.  But after accepting the fact that he is a shy person, I didn’t expect him to say certain things or do certain things.  I learned to see him more through his little quiet actions than his words that he really did like me.   A lot of girls expect a guy to fully accept them and their flaws, but if you don’t do that in return, what makes you think they want to do the same for you? People shine in their own ways.

I’ve learned a lot about people and have changed after each of my relationships.  When I was in Spain last year (wow it’s been that long?!) I started seeing a Spanish guy there for a while.  Obviously, this was very different from reserved Asians.   This guy though was just an open book about everything that he felt about me and life, his guilt, mistakes, his regrets, what he was thinking, and it enabled me to trust him and be comfortable around him.  Although it was short and sweet, I truly learned the importance of being open and honest in any sort of relationship.

So I don’t particularly have a type.  If I look back at my past relationships, the guys I’ve dated are all very very different in personality, looks, backgrounds, etc.  As long as there’s a high standard of morals, honesty, a sincere heart, open-mind—and in general if I just sense a good overall intuitive feel about someone then hey, why not?

30.

So I found this on David’s WordPress and I’ve decided to go through with this challenge.

30 blog topics in 30 days. This probably won’t be every consecutive day, but here goes:

30 Day Challenge

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your Myers Briggs Personality Type and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 – Discuss your first love.
Day 11 – Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest memory.
Day 15 – Your favorite blogs.
Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 – Your beliefs.
Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education is.
Day 21 – One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 – How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5 girls who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.