This 30 day thang has been extended to a long year..
I take a deep sigh, sit up straight in my chair, crack my knuckles, and chuckle a little to myself as I think about this topic.
Oh mom…oh dad.
How I hated you so.
“Omg! How could you say that!!??”
Uh yeah well I did. And when I say hate, I don’t just say it out of a state of spite. I actually mean hate.
I don’t want to be that angsty everybody-hates-me teenager but it was true..my parents did wrong me in many ways. I’m going to be utterly honest: they were not the best parents. When my friends would say, “My mom is my best friend! I tell her everything!” I would think in my head, “WTF is wrong witchu girl?!”
Really, I would stand scratching my head at this.
I have to say though. I was a really good compliant child even when in retrospect, my mother was not the best mother. I did everything that was asked of me. I liked being an obedient child. I liked pleasing my parents.
You know, it takes one person to change your mind. One person to squeeze one droplet of black ink to taint an entire beaker of clear water. That black ink was “Melinda.”
I remember waiting outside of school after orchestra rehearsal with my new best friend Melinda (how funny the levity of how we define a mere play pal as a “best friend” when we are young). I’m being picked up to go to tennis practice, which was to be followed by after school SAT class, which was again to be followed by rehearsal at the Metropolitan Youth Orchestra later in the evening. I really didn’t mind doing any of this…or did I? Well, Melinda asked me “So let’s hang out and do homework together.”
“No, I have to go to tennis.”
“Okay. How about after?”
And I proceed to tell her the post-tennis activities.
With scrutiny she asks, “Do you even like doing this stuff?”
Aloof. “Um..not really?”
“Then why do you do it?”
The black ink had began to dissipate through the bonds of H2O. Why do I do it?! Wait…how come I do this stuff? How come my mom never asks me for my opinion…She never talks to me about how I feel….Poisoned.
And that was the beginning of a terrible and effed up relationship with my parents. A Pandora’s box was opened. I finally polished the brain and mind to speak up for myself, which really just led to complete disrespect of my parents.
There’s been a lot of hurt and disrespect…but thankfully, there’s also been a lot of healing and reparation. When God came into both my life and my mom’s life, He really showed us a little face of grace (check out that rhyme). My mom was able to heal a bit of her own struggles and depression through God, which enabled her to love me. Pre-God, she was hurting a lot and taking it out on my brother and I. She did not know how to express any emotion that was nurturing, loving, or sensitive. And God truly broke down those walls, softened her heart, and she expressed all this to me two years ago. It was one of the biggest breakthroughs of our relationship. My mom? Actually being humble and vulnerable?! She learned what real love was through the unconditional and perfect love of God.
And I can say for myself that I learned the same. I still struggle with so many insecurities and emotional difficulties mostly because of my mother and I never thought I could forgive her; because God extended grace to me in so many situations, I know what that looks like and know that I must love her because God loves her despite anything.
We are all sinners no matter what good we try to do. We can only find salvation and hope in God. He is the one who saves.