This 30 day challenge has been taking me a year to complete. What a testimony to my endurance in task completion. -_-
Anywhos I’ve actually avoided this one because I wanted to soak in my 2012 a little before I started writing about anything without premeditation.
2012 has been the most interesting year thusfar. Finally, it hasn’t just been an up and down year of depression–but I’ve been experiencing deep emotions from my spirit. I’ve experienced the most spiritual high I’ve ever felt that surpasses any happiness or excitement I’ve ever felt (and that says a lot for someone who easily tickled and excited by anything)
I’ve learned what it truly feels like to have a family. The new house that I’ve moved into has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I feel that blessing every.day. I’ve never felt truly loved, cared for, supported, or comfortable in any situation of living I have been in my entire life. I wish this were an exaggeration but I guess never having a good family or living situation in general, I can feel this goodness to such a great extent. I live and breathe God’s love every single day. It’s amazing. It makes me think “wow, this is what God wants a family to look like.”
I’ve also never been the youngest in any situation. I’m always the oldest in my family gatherings, oldest in family friend parties, and such. Having four older ladies acting as older sister figures is really strange for me. I have no idea how to accept other people’s love and care. I’ve always been the provider and as that older sister role, you are used to saying “no” if your sibling asks if they could do something for you. It’s understood that I do it for the sake of my younger ones. As good as it is to be a server, I learned how important it is to accept love and be served too. I learn to trust others and to know that people care about me too. Its not just a one way street. It feels really…good? haha
Being baptized was also a jovial celebratory occasion. I have never felt such pure joy and bliss in my life to have celebrated with my church family and have a part of my own family there to celebrate with me. I wanted to cry tears of joy the whole day. My spirit was just overflowing and spilling over with waterfalls of God’s spirit and love. I thought to myself “this is what heaven must feel like.”
Of course there have been lows, I feel like I’ve shredded off an old dead callous me-just as how skin cells are always shedding dead skin cells. I guess that’s the point of baptism…new birth! Go figure Suz. But in all seriousness, my eyes have been widened to new life and a new perception of absolutely everything.
There have been a lot more curveballs thrown at me this semester too though. Aside from my depression and anxiety, my broken family, and struggles with my plans after grad, I’ve lost a lot of friendships in the mix. New hardships have come and I can’t say that I’m happy when I talk about them. But I’m at peace. I’m at peace with the fact that God’s got it. Everything in this life is temporary and the only constant is God. Although old friendships have been fading out, a part of me is thankful. I’m thankful because some of those old friendships had too much brokenness and hurt me so deeply that meeting new friends have shown me my need for friendships that build me up…not the ones that have been bringing me down. I’m babbling now because I am procrastinating. (I tend to write the longest entries during midterm weeks and final weeks huh? LAWLS)
Anywho, I prefer not to go so deep into the lows. Because it would be an emo mess of things. I’ll just list em off so I don’t let my mind wander into this bad territory…I can’t be doing that while in finals week.
- feelings of worthlessness, insecurities, not good enough, just self-depracation
- difficulty in school and a risk of not being able to walk for graduation this May
- feeling abandoned from my family
- feeling a lack of purpose in life
- too much uncertainty and lack of support about my future career (now that I’ve abandoned my dad’s CPA dreams)
- possible diagnosis…..
- lots of anxiety and unable to sleep.
All that aside, much support from my church friends, my sisters in my house, and God, I’ve been able to live well. Many thanks to God for blessing me with the people in my life to be able to go on. He is so good.
Okay enough procrastinating, time to study auditing >.<