I think I’ve been becoming very self-absorbed lately…with thinking about my Artspeak performance and with thinking about my future. It’s just been all about me, me, me. And it’s distorted my heart to selfish desires and self-fulfillment.
I’m going to be baptized this coming Sunday-Easter Sunday (whooooot!) BUT for some reason, I’ve hit this impenetrable wall with God. I don’t want to pray to Him. All my anxieties are in my head and not poured out to Him in prayer…even praying for others is hard. Talking to God in general is like gasping for deep huffs and puffs while running up a mountain. I can’t pinpoint why I’m feeling like this, especially after pouring out my heart on Saturday night at Artspeak; ESPECIALLY if I’m going to be declaring aloud my new life to God this Sunday. What’s going on? Is the devil taking a hold of me? Is he bringing me down? Is it just me?
I also feel the temptation to hide from others after Saturday night…I think I just feel so exposed and stripped of the bare minimum. I feel so naked from a raw me and a real me. It felt great to reveal myself right afterwards, but now hours after, I’m feeling judged and wanting to keep my distance from others. I feel afraid that people really see me now and knows me and my heart.
I’m fighting those feelings as much as I can by headbutting them with love. I’m just going to keep showing love to others and opening up to them. Letting myself receive their love too. I have to let myself receive God’s love too because of that obstructing wall.
The devil, that foo, can’t get a hold of me. As Immortal Technique says “A dance with the devil might last forever” (Not that “Dance with the Devil” is me in any way haha but ya know??)