Until Baptism…

I think I’ve been becoming very self-absorbed lately…with thinking about my Artspeak performance and with thinking about my future. It’s just been all about me, me, me. And it’s distorted my heart to selfish desires and self-fulfillment.

I’m going to be baptized this coming Sunday-Easter Sunday (whooooot!) BUT for some reason, I’ve hit this impenetrable wall with God.  I don’t want to pray to Him.  All my anxieties are in my head and not poured out to Him in prayer…even praying for others is hard. Talking to God in general is like gasping for deep huffs and puffs while running up a mountain. I can’t pinpoint why I’m feeling like this, especially after pouring out my heart on Saturday night at Artspeak; ESPECIALLY if I’m going to be declaring aloud my new life to God this Sunday.  What’s going on? Is the devil taking a hold of me? Is he bringing me down? Is it just me?

I also feel the temptation to hide from others after Saturday night…I think I just feel so exposed and stripped of the bare minimum.  I feel so naked from a raw me and a real me.  It felt great to reveal myself right afterwards, but now hours after, I’m feeling judged and wanting to keep my distance from others.  I feel afraid that people really see me now and knows me and my heart.

I’m fighting those feelings as much as I can by headbutting them with love.  I’m just going to keep showing love to others and opening up to them.  Letting myself receive their love too.   I have to let myself receive God’s love too because of that obstructing wall.

The devil, that foo, can’t get a hold of me.  As Immortal Technique says “A dance with the devil might last forever” (Not that “Dance with the Devil” is me in any way haha but ya know??)

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2 thoughts on “Until Baptism…

  1. You can’t begin to help other people if you can’t even do you! God sent you here for a reason and if it’s to get your life together, to face harsh realities, to RE-evaluate what your priorities are, then that’s what you’re here for (hungry african children, yes that’s important, but whats more important is the people who created you! who you are personally responsible for guiding [lil jeong], and those who you can immediately make a difference for!!).

    I listened to the sermon on sloth and envy yesterday. The envy one was by a different pastor and he said that God’s work is so specific that he created an entire person to fulfill those needs – YOU! Last time I checked, everyone is selfish and the only person that will ever physically and mentally do anything for you IS you! God is there for support and guidance. For spiritual fuel. For those moments you want to give up. Never fear God! Never fear the Devil. Embrace them both for there are valuable lessons within the duality we live in!

    Yes you are exposed and naked because you let your guard down that you have had UP for so long. How funny it is that babies are baptized naked and this is to me, metaphorically a genuine exposure to your innocence – just like a new born.

    There is no rebuttal and no defense for your monologue afterwards. You don’t have to explain yourself. It isn’t an argument or a conversation, it’s a declaration. Leo’s are very strong and always have to be on guard just like the lionesses themselves – they have to go out and hunt for the family. You can’t start doing God’s work around the world until you do his work in your home, in your family, in the relationships you have with close and drifted friends. Leo’s like the attention – just so as long its in their favor. So you have to be comfortable with not caring about what other people think. Remind yourself every time you feel judged and scrutinized that you’re just being who you’ve always been.

    Hey don’t worry about being judged by others at church. This is what they’ll remember from your monologue “Susie was sad and now she’s a bit happier”, “this is the end of artspeak and im hungry” LOL. It was long enough for them to forget all the plethora of minor details and fractures in your perfection.

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