Change #2 and the Challenges

I’m really trying to embrace strangers and my enemies and I realize how much I struggle with it.

I can’t seem to allow myself to be that bubbly outgoing spirit I once was.  I used to be able to wait in line at Dunkin Donuts and strike up a short conversation with the lady behind me.  I used to be able to love uninhibitedly.  It upsets me to see myself like this, knowing that I could be better to other people.

I want to be hospitable to everyone–even those who I know will not reciprocate the same love and care.   I haven’t been doing the greatest job with this change #2 that I was so determined to follow.  I walk around the city, campus, and even sometimes church with my head down avoiding eye contact with others.

I can’t keep hiding myself.  I can tangibly feel an iron wall enclosing my warm

spirit and heart locking it away from sharing it to other people.  I feel it.

It affects my mood on a daily basis and now it has infected my relations.  I feel myself clenching onto my heart in fear of others as I interact with them.

This probably sounds ridiculous to some people. And actually when I skim through again, I’m thinking–hello? overdramatic much?  But ah wells, if I think back to why I started this blog in the first place…it’s all about me being vulnerable and letting my true self go–which was and still is VERY difficult for me.

I still feel myself holding back on many things as I blog, so I’m going to try to be even more open.

I guard myself even around those who love me; I recognize how selfish I am with my own friends too.  I am cognizant of how I cover all my hurts and anxieties by instinctively blocking out those feelings.   I see how I divert everything with jokes, humor, and silly antics.  I act silly and tough, put my guards up, and therefore no one can see my unmasked self.  What is that unmasked self like? I couldn’t even really tell you myself…

So of course if I can’t even show love to my friends, how can I do it for the random stranger who holds the door open for me?

As I sit here in bed, tucked into my micro-plush blanket and oh-so-comfy Snuggie, I can only look to God for this and ask Him to teach me how to love my friends, enemies, and be hospitable in the way our God is.

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2 thoughts on “Change #2 and the Challenges

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