Change #2

I’m a hermit.

I’ve completely disengaged from socializing and “gone missing”  as most people at Bentley would say.  I’m fully aware of it and for a while, I was fine that way.  I was fine not interacting with people because it seemed every corner I turned, people disappointed me.

Here’s another thing going on with me: I realized recently my complete lack of desire to attend any of my classes (although with great efforts I’d make my two feet move there) or be engaged in school this semester.  It’s strange because I truly love learning and wrapping my head around new concepts.  But I think my classes have been poisoning my head with “the idea that the world is out to get you beware.” Between–learning how to slyly talk to people to get what you want (ethically and unethically) in Negotiations class to learning about how you can’t trust anybody in Business Law class (my professor, who is also a practicing successful lawyer, has stressed this idea to us many times in class)–my fire, pull, and passion to help others was slowly being pushed the other way.

I told my bible study group a few Mondays ago about my recent disdain and gloomy new view about society these days, I used to think that people were naturally good: people don’t want to deliberately hurt other people by cordially always saying “please and thank you,” and for most average citizens wanting to abide by the law.  On a more “Bentley-esque note”: businesses were finally turning around to serve with organic foods and corporate social responsibility initiatives. But…most are covert selfish motives sprinkled and decorated with all sorts of different flavors of B.S for profit-seeking motives.

So,I’ve acquired a bitter taste to Hobbesian theory, that people are inherently sinful, selfish, and corrupt.  I guess I’m disillusioned–having so much hope for people and it being shattered and dissipated.    So as I mentioned before, I wanted to hide from people because it seemed with this in mind, anytime anyone did anything that hinted a little negativity, a reflex would just kick my brain to think “Yup, people are innately selfish.” It truly disappointed me and “emoed” the crap out of me.

Honestly, I was doing well avoiding people on campus.  But recently, I’ve been hearing from God that I need to have compassion on others even if they are “bad people.” I realized this was my pride butting in:  after I precariously concluded that people disappointed me over and over again, I decided I just couldn’t be with people to withstand it anymore.  It didn’t register in my head that this conviction was cultivating a latent and deeply seeded pride in me (and I hate to say it out loud or that I was overtly thinking this) the idea that “People are bad, but I’m good.”

That’s where God tells me I’m wrong.  I’m no better.  We’re all sinful, broken, and imperfect.  “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. But love your enemies, do good to them…” (Luke 6:32-36) An enemy doesn’t necessarily have to be characteristically extreme like an “arch nemesis”–it can be anybody that I have any inclination to stay away from to any degree small or large. And I think I’ve just made the world something to hide away from. I’ve made the world my “enemy.”

Although my optimistic hopes have been shattered, it should not stop me from loving others. I can’t be angry or bitter towards them.  What does that solve? Where does that take either of us? I want to better society and people, I need to react better and stop being so prideful.  How I act in such situations reflect what I believe.  I need to be able to demonstrate my faith even in bad situations,  which means being at peace even through storms and bitter tastes of people. I want to show God’s grace and forgiveness through it all.  I think He’s truly challenging me to do that lately, especially in a campus of broken and disillusioned people.

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4 thoughts on “Change #2

  1. I haven’t seen or talked to you since….EM Retreat last year maybe? I’m so encouraged by this post though. Kind of randomly stumbled on your blog again after seeing an email notification tonight stating that you’d subscribed to my own (post-less lulz) WordPress. Funny how things work.

    Bentley sounds….tough. I can’t do much more than pray for you and the rest of your campus, so I guess I’ll just do that. Oh, and there’s a verse Lucy Xu shared with me the other day I found really encouraging for witnessing to others/pouring out love when you feel empty/#Christian on a liberal college campus/etc. I hope it can encourage you too when you find it hard to love others!

    1 Cor 2: 1-5
    1 And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.[a] 2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. 4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, 5 so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

    In Christ,
    Max

    1. Hey Max!
      It HAS been a while! Geez…but yeah I was looking at my subscribers and saw your name..and then thought “Wait…how am I not following him?!?” and then…there was nothing haha just like you said

      Anywho, thank you for your prayers. I truly appreciate them so so much!

      The verse you shared with me is also very encouraging. We just have to let God do His work and have faith that He will use us in the right way at the right moments. I think I’ve missed out on many of those invitations at school and ran away from everybody because I was quite angry at the world! haha But God is telling me to RSVP Yes to His invitations to “bless my enemies.” It was hard today to stop looking at the floor as I walk to class, but God has compelled me to trust Him and stop my hurting and anger.

      I hope you are doing well in school! Anything new going on with you?
      If you have any prayer requests please let me know. I love praying and not doing homework! hehe

      In Him,
      Susie

  2. Haha sorry, the only blog I semi-maintain is my Xanga (rockin’ that since 7th grade wooo), and even that only gets a post every month or so.

    Mm, I remember freshman year, I would usually listen to music on the way to class– it was my way of shutting out the world as I walked past people I didn’t really want to love or even be friends with for that matter. Things have obviously gotten considerably better since the initial trauma of entering college though, even if I do have those days when I just want to lay back on a couch, lurk Reddit, and not go to class. I guess everyone does though, heh. School is a paradox for me– I love what I’m studying (public health) and know exactly where I want to be, but after a lazy sophomore year where my GPA plummeted I’ve developed lots of bad habits. You can pray that I take things one step at a time and stop worrying about the future! Staying in the present and dealing with God places in front of me– including the essays and tests and stuff– is something I’m still working on.

    Other going-ons too! ICF is doing great (we’re going on a service project to Philly this Christmas! I’ll make sure to email you my prayer support letter! That’s something to definitely pray for); there’s a girl (that’s a longer story though lulz); junior year is intense, but in a good way…..life is life! And God is good through it all 😀

    Thank for praying! I’ll update you about Philly soon, I promise!

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