Being back to Boston and into so-called “normal life” is a strange feeling, but that’s quite obvious. You feel disconnected from the life you used to live. Everyone seems to have moved on without you. You don’t feel as close with people, even if you talk to them on a pretty normal basis. It’s reverse culture shock and I’ve experienced it before, but not quite like this.
Part of it comes from the fact that I have been gone for almost nine months; another from the fact that I’ve felt like i have yet to settle in a place and call it home. Ever since the beginning of college, I was like a little nomad. I went to Korea right when I got home and then went straightaway to college. I was really excited to start a new life in Boston and get away from Long Island for a while. I was taken on a different course of life than expected. I became confused about who I was, questioning everything I did and said, missed home, and ultimately some of these things are the reason I became depressed. I didn’t feel right in Bentley. I couldn’t quite find people who I could be myself with without having people say “you’re weird, you’re this and that, etc.” Im not one to usually care about what people say but after a while, it gets painfully frustrating when it seems that people are misjudging and misunderstanding you. So for the next semesters, I became awkward because I was always wary to be myself. I felt lost and came to the point where I hated Boston. I didn’t feel at home here.
So I went home often to be at a place where I felt comfortable to be myself. But home in New York wasn’t exactly home either. Little things in my house changed here and there. I would come home to see little white hairs sprouting on my dads head. Things didn’t feel quite right. Nothing was that “home” that I had remembered. Life at home had moved on without me.
I found myself stuck between worlds. I didn’t have a home to feel my best at. And these feelings continued to grow through my years in Bentley.
And now here I am, back from 6 months trekking Europe and 2 months in Korea. I know I say I am back home. But it doesn’t quite feel like home. I feel uneasy, unsettled, unstable, and just plain out of it. The best cure to get out of this rut is having a home to go back to in the first place. But if I haven’t had a tangible “home” or have felt comfortable with myself in the first place, so how do I settle back into a world that I’m supposed to call home? What exactly am I settling into? This feels like another part of my travels where I have to adjust to again…
Am I making sense or running in complete circles? Haha
Come to think of it, I think this is just something most young adults at this age deal with-a sense of confusion and fear, knowing that everything is not quite alright right now. Clearly, no one wants to feel this constant anxiety but I, in a way, enourage this.
It’s the essence of life: Life is a beautiful mess and we’re out there to discover it. I sound cheesy as I always do…think about it, when else in life will you be able to do the crazy things and have the time to go out there and experience anything.
Feeling out of place and confused will lead us to the right path at one point in our lives, and though it may come with many stupid mistakes along the way. Live and learn. It didn’t kill you; you’ll live on…
So I don’t really know what the exact point of what im trying to say is…I just needed to get this out of my system, while knowing I hadn’t developed a main point in writing this.
But I think I’ll summarize by saying that although it is a very strange, awkward period for me of adjusting and settling into the unknown; the unknown shouldn’t be seen as so negatively and God-forbidden. It’s a jungle of uncertainty that will most definitely lead to that revelation or calling you’ve been looking for with that good old enemy named “time.” Go out, be open-minded, go crazy (but not too crazy!), but be cautious not to hurt others along the way.
Kay, I can’t believe I wrote all this corny ridiculousness. Excuse me, please.