My dear God, I’m supposed to be updating this every freaking day. But I haven’t done so in over a week. Why the heck do I have no consistency in my life?!?!
Well, other things have been on my mind lately. And for one thing, the news I have been hearing about my deathly-ill grandmother worries and saddens me. I’ve been messaging with my cousin in Korea about it and she was the one who first let me know about her conditions worsening (she had already been suffering from brain damage for years). I thought of calling my mom and telling her but I figured it was better to have her sister tell her and comfort her, so I waited until my mother would email me so that I would call her in correspondence. I waited for days and my mom never emailed me of this news.
You see, my mom emails me about every week just to update me on my grandmother, my family’s whereabouts, offer me her wise words of wisdom, nag me about my nose ring, nag me about why my credit card bill is so high, etc.
So the only update I received from her this week was about how it was my brother’s birthday and they went to a nice restaurant by the wonderfully, clean, and beautiful Hudson River in New York City (Haha clean…)
Still, no update about my grandmother. But I know my mother. Regardless of how much stress, anguish, distress, worrying, depression she deals with, she never shows it. I knew that she wasn’t going to email me because she didn’t want me to worry about her, while I’m here in Barcelona. (This I know because I am the same way as her).
I called her today, and well she acted completely normal. But when I asked her about my grandmother- laughter stopped, talking stopped–and there was the longest silence between us. She talked about it briefly and quickly changed the subject to avoid talking about it. I went along with it and we spoke about things other than my grandmother.
But before we were about to hang up, I asked my mom how she was. “괞찬아.” (I’m fine). And she did sound fine. It scares me how well she hides her true feelings because I would never know if she is hurting or not because she always acts like she is fine. But then I told her “엄마는 모르도 난엄마를 잘알아.엄마는 안 괞찬아도 엄마의 마음을 잘 숨기고 다니자나…”(I know you. Even when you’re not okay, you go on hiding your feelings all the time). And then again came the longest silence between us. I could hear some strange small noises from the other end, but all she in response was “아니야 걱정마, 엄마 잘있어…” (No,no don’t worry. I’m doing well). She was definitely choking on her words as she said this, and it broke my heart to hear such sorrow come from her. No matter how broken she is, she will never show her defeat from her pain. She is the strongest woman I know.
Christian or not, if you could pray for my mother to give her strength and the fear to let her guards down, and for God to take care of my grandmother until we arrive in Korea to see her one last time, I would appreciate it so much.